Fighting Fair – Let’s be honest: if you’ve been married longer than a week, you’ve probably had at least one disagreement about something entirely ridiculous — like how to load the dishwasher or whether “room temperature” is 68 or 72 degrees.
Conflict in marriage is normal. Healthy, even. It means you’re both thinking, feeling humans with your own ideas and opinions. But how you argue? That can make or break the emotional climate of your home.
The goal isn’t to avoid disagreements entirely — it’s to fight in a way that doesn’t leave emotional debris all over the relationship.
1. Fighting Fair – Timing Is Everything (So Maybe Not at Midnight)
You know what’s not a great time to bring up a frustrating issue? Right before bed. Or while one of you is holding a crying baby. Or when there’s a hot skillet in someone’s hand.
Pick your battles — and pick your moments. Bringing up a concern when you’re both calm increases the odds that it’ll end in resolution instead of a silent standoff across the dinner table.
Pro tip: If you’re “hangry,” postpone the chat until snacks are involved.
2. Fighting Fair – Use Your Words (Not Your Tone)
We all know how easy it is to slip into sarcasm, sharp tones, or the dreaded passive-aggressive sigh. But tone can turn a conversation into combat before you even realize it.
Speak clearly, respectfully, and with a focus on how you feel — not what your partner did wrong.
Example: “I feel overwhelmed when the house is messy,” goes a lot further than, “You never clean anything and I live in your disaster zone.”
3. Fighting Fair – Avoid the Greatest Hits Playlist
Bringing up that thing from three months ago (again)? Probably not helpful.
Stick to the issue at hand. Resurrecting old arguments turns a minor disagreement into an emotional courtroom where no one wins and everyone’s exhausted.
Golden rule: Don’t keep a scoreboard. Marriage isn’t a game — it’s a team sport.
4. Fighting Fair – Take Breaks if You Need To
Sometimes, emotions get big. Voices get louder. Rational thoughts go out the window with your chance of winning that “who left the back door open” debate.
If things are spiraling, take a breather. Call a timeout — literally.
Just say, “I need a few minutes to cool off, but I want to come back and talk.” Then actually come back. Don’t use “space” as a sneaky exit strategy.
5. Fighting Fair – Listen to Understand (Not Just to Respond)
When your spouse is talking, try not to just build your comeback in your head like you’re on a courtroom drama. Really listen.
Repeat back what you think they’re saying: “So what I hear you saying is…” — it might feel cheesy at first, but it shows that you care about getting it right, not just being right.
6. Fighting Fair – Know When to Laugh
Not at your partner. But sometimes, tension deflates faster with a shared chuckle than with a perfectly worded rebuttal.
Misunderstandings can be funny. The things we argue about are often so ridiculous when we zoom out. Laughter doesn’t mean you’re dismissing the issue — it just keeps things human.
Final Thought: Love Loudly, Disagree Gently
The healthiest marriages aren’t free from conflict — they’re just full of respect. When you learn to fight fair, you show your partner that even when you disagree, they’re still safe, still heard, and still loved.
So the next time a disagreement crops up, take a deep breath, speak kindly, and maybe — just maybe — let them win the thermostat war.
(Just this once.)
A Life on the Farm is beginning a new series on keeping love alive…even when you feel like strangling it. Join us below and don’t miss one second of spreading the love.
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